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REALITY BITES New Thinking in child psychology challeges the self-esteem movement
Date: 09-30-1995; Publication: Newsday; Author: H.J. Cummins

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Newsday REALITY BITES New Thinking in child psychology challeges the self-esteem movement

By H.J. Cummins. STAFF WRITER

 
IT'S CALLED THE "hot seat," and in it boys and girls face some of  
the 
sharpest insults young minds have ever devised: "You're the ugliest 
thing I've seen with glasses," may pop up. Or the classic: "You're  
a big 
pimplehead." 
    Hardly the way to build self-esteem, you're probably thinking.  
But 
psychologist Martin Seligman  -  who created the hot seat as a lesson  
in 
resiliency  -  says in fact it's a great way. And it's one part of  
a 
challenge to the "self-esteem movement" as it has shaped child-rearing 
since the 1970s. 
    The movement let down society, according to Seligman and a handful 
of colleagues, and it let down the kids. In our rush to make youngsters 
feel good about themselves, we have forgotten the value of teaching  
them 
to be good and resourceful people, they argue. In our wish to protect 
youngsters from hurt, we have robbed them of one of life's best 
teachers: failure. 
    And, they say, this "cult of self-esteem" has left a legacy that 
includes both youthful violence and kids at a loss in facing life' 
s ups 
and downs. 
    "Something striking has happened to the self-esteem of American 
children during the era of raising our children to feel good," Seligman 
writes in his new book, "The Optimistic Child" (Houghton Mifflin,  
1995). 
"They have never been more depressed." 
    Not everyone embraces these ideas. Some baby-boomer parents complain 
it's just one more jab at them: First we're criticized for pushing  
our 
children too hard, now we're blamed for indulging them too much. The 
experts can't have it both ways, they say. Also, some youngsters at  
the 
Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle, who agreed to give their views on this 
trend, say they still see the bigger problem as parents putting down 
kids too much, not overpraising them. 
    "That's why I see a lot of kids totally giving up," says Michelle 
Margiotta, a junior at Hauppauge High School. 
    But these new notions are gaining currency, as a healthy swing  
of 
the pendulum back from a movement that took self-esteem to an 
unfortunate extreme. 
    "Unlike a lot of movements that were just empty or stupid or 
diabolical, `self-esteem' had a lot of validity to it," says Wayne 
Joosse, a psychology professor at Calvin College in Grand Rapids,  
Mich. 
"How people feel about themselves does matter. But parents have gotten 
the idea that you must never say no to a kid or you'll damage his  
little 
psyche," Joosse says, using the example of a young child who, during  
a 
recent church service, strolled from the front pew to the vestibule  
for 
a sip of water, then walked slowly back to his seat. And his parents 
allowed it. 
    "Now, that's not the crime of the century, but it was a disruption 
to a lot of people," Joosse says. "Ill-behaved kids do need to be 
corrected." 
    William Damon, author of "Greater Expectations: Overcoming the 
Culture of Indulgence in America's Homes and Schools" (Free Press, 
 
1995), is one of the self-esteem movement's more outspoken critics.  
He 
complains it got the cart before the horse: It teaches that a parent' 
s 
goal is to "give" your child self-esteem. Then, because he feels good 
about himself, he'll stop doing drugs, say, and study hard. 
    Reality is the reverse, Damon says: You raise a child to work  
hard 
and avoid temptation, and then he'll feel good about himself. Because  
he 
has earned it. 
    Making self-esteem its own goal got us into all kinds of trouble, 
 
Damon complains. He cites mushrooming rates of teen homicides, gambling 
and thievery. And he makes the point that some of the highest 
self-esteem ratings come from members of violent gangs. "If all you  
care 
about is feeling good about yourself, that's a license to do anything." 
 
    Besides, Damon and others say you can't "give" a child self-esteem. 
    "Just telling kids they're `special'  -  that's empty and kids  
see 
through the underlying cheapness in that," said Eliot Goldman, a 
psychologist at the Schneider Children's Hospital in New Hyde Park. 
    Unfortunately that's what the self-esteem movement has coached 
well-meaning parents and teachers to do, according to Seligman. He  
gives 
the example of a little boy who clearly flubs a football-team tryout, 
 
then his father says things to him like, "That's OK, I think you did  
a 
real good job out there," and "As far as I'm concerned, you are just  
as 
good as any of the rest of them." 
    The boy knows he did badly, Seligman says. Or, he should. To hear 
his father say otherwise undermines his faith in all of his father' 
s 
reassurances because the youngster can't help thinking, "If he says  
that 
now, did he really mean it when he said he liked my science paper?" 
 And, 
paradoxically, it undermines his confidence in himself: He thinks, 
 "Am I 
so hopeless that he has to lie to me?" and just as devastating, "Is 
failure such a terrible thing that we can't even admit it happened  
to 
me?" 
    "It is confusing," says Daniel Burd, one of the young people at  
the 
tabernacle, "for kids to be told not to be performance-oriented. Because 
it's a performance-oriented world." 
    Instead, Seligman says, parents should be teaching this lesson:  
We 
all have setbacks, and we can work to overcome them. 
    In fact, that's the lesson of his hot seat. Bonnie Harding, now  
15 
and living in the Blue Bell suburb of Philadelphia, was in one of 
Seligman's workshops about three years ago, and took her turn on the  
hot 
seat. 
    "It teaches you not to block out things," Bonnie said. "It's not 
that nothing is your fault or you're immune to the world, but that 
you're the narrator of your life." 
    Bonnie's mother, Karen, gave a hot seat example: One youngster  
tries 
an insult on a girl, like, "You throw like a girl." She doesn't reject 
the truth of it, out of hand. But rather than be overcome by the sting, 
 
she shapes it to something manageable: "Of course I do," she responds. 
"I'm a girl. And girls win gold medals at the Olympics." 
    Seligman calls this an "optimistic explanatory style" and he says 
youngsters who learn it can dodge the spreading epidemic of youthful 
depression. He describes the style as the ability to first judge 
realistically what is said or done, then explain things in a way that 
gives you some power over them. 
    Bonnie Harding credits Seligman's workshops with helping her meet 
people. Before, if an introduction went badly, Bonnie says, she would 
think, "Gee, they must think I'm a jerk," or "We're so different,  
we'd 
never get along." Now her first thoughts are: "Maybe they're having 
problems at home," or "Maybe they find it hard to meet people." 
    "She doesn't seem to let things bother her too much," Karen Harding 
says. "She has her own agenda. And she wasn't always like that." 
    Goldman has seen the toll lack of optimism can take. For example, 
 he 
says, one of his clients, now a young woman, put no effort into school 
-  then pulled it together just enough to graduate. 
    "But she never really had a sense of struggling with some difficult 
projects, then getting through it," he says. "And now she's afraid  
to go 
after the more difficult jobs. She's afraid of competition." 
    A common mistake among parents is rushing in to fix things so  
the 
child won't feel bad, according to Jane Gillham, an associate of 
Seligman's who has led parent workshops. "If the concern right off  
the 
bat is, how is the child feeling, then you're going to immediately  
make 
the child feel better by saying things like, `Oh, don't worry about 
it,' or `It's not a big deal.' That's the self-esteem approach," Gillham 
says. "Of course we want children to believe things will work out, 
 but 
these messages are empty if they're not accompanied by realism and 
something like, `Let's see what we can do about that.' " 
    Even Damon said the self-esteem movement was a good thing in many 
ways. Dating back to late last century, it helped in passage of 
child-labor laws  -  because it set the first scientific basis for 
children's testimony to be accepted in court. 
    It captured the public 20 to 30 years ago, and was a good antidote 
to the harsh, "spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child" treatment that preceded 
it, many experts said. Its fall from favor now may have something  
to do 
with society's frustration with the excuses coming out of courtrooms  
and 
talk shows, says Dennis Lowe, psychology professor at Pepperdine 
University in California. 
    "People are tired of hearing, `Don't blame me, I'm the adult child 
of a this or that'"  -  alcoholic, addict, whatever  -  Lowe says. 
    One fear among psychologists is that this pendulum not swing too  
far 
back. 
    "You can't go back to beating people because they don't perform 
well," said Chris Mruk, author of "Self-Esteem: Research, Theory and 
Practice" (Springer Publishing, 1995). "We've exaggerated one side  
and 
let the other suffer. That doesn't mean we should exaggerate the other 
one instead." 
  
  
It's Not OK, but It Can Be 
  
    Martin Seligman says parents can guide a small child's thinking  
with 
what he calls "optimistic criticism." The idea is to honestly face  
up to 
whatever's wrong, but blame specific and changeable  -  thus, fixable  
 - 
 causes. 
  
Wrong 
  
"Tammy, what's wrong with you? You're such a monster." 
  
"Cory, I asked you to pick up your toys. Why don't you ever do what  
I 
ask?" 
  
"You are a bad boy." 
  
"That's OK, Tanya. You've got your mom's knack when it comes to sports. 
I'm horrible at sports too." 
  
"Another C-minus? I guess you just aren't an A student." 
  
"This room is a pig sty. You are such a slob!" 
  
  
Right 
  
"Tammy, you are really misbehaving today. I don't like it." 
  
"Cory, I asked you to pick up your toys. Why didn't you do what I 
asked?" 
  
"You tease too much." 
  
"That's OK, Tanya. You've got to keep your eye on the ball." 
  
"Another C-minus? You need to spend more time on your studies." 
  
"This room is a pig sty! Start picking up after yourself." 
  
  
SOURCE: "The Optimistic Child" 
  
  
  
How Would You React If...? 
     Different kids think in different ways. Look at this. It asks  
you a 
bunch of questions about what you think. Each question is a little 
story, and for each story there are two ways you might react. You' 
re 
supposed to choose one way or the other, the one that's closest to  
the 
way you'd really feel if that happened to you. 
  
  
Set 1 
  
1. You fail a test. 
   A. My teacher makes hard tests. 
2. You almost drown when swimming in a river. 
   A. I am not a very cautious person. 
3. Your teacher asks you a question and you give a 
   wrong answer. 
   A. I get nervous when I have to answer questions. 
4. You get on the wrong bus and you get lost. 
   A. That day I wasn't paying attention to what was going on. 
5. You try to sell candy, but no one will buy any. 
   A. Lately a lot of children are selling things, so people don't  
want 
to buy anything else from children. 
6. You miss the ball and your team loses the game. 
   A. I didn't try hard while playing ball that day. 
7. You take a train that arrives so late you miss a movie. 
   A. The past few days there have been problems 
      with the train being on time. 
8. A team that you are on loses a game. 
   A. The team members don't play well together. 
Set 2 
  
1. You get an A on a test. 
   A. I am smart. 
2. You spend a night at a friend's house and you have 
   a good time. 
   A. My friend was in a friendly mood that night. 
3. You play a game and you win money. 
   A. I am a lucky person. 
4. You play a game and you win. 
   A. Sometimes I try as hard as I can at games. 
5. Your parents take you to the beach and you have 
   a good time. 
   A. Everything at the beach was nice that day. 
6. Your mother makes you your favorite dinner. 
   A. There are a few things that my mother will do 
      to please me. 
7. You finish your homework quickly. 
   A. Lately I have been doing everything quickly. 
8. You go to an amusement park and you have a good time. 
   A. I usually enjoy myself at amusement parks. 
Scoring 
  
Set 1 measures if a child sees bad things as permanent or is  resilient 
in bad times. 
      Optimistic:  Up to 2 
      Average:     2-4 
      Pessimistic: Above 4 
  
Set 2 measures if a child sees good things as pervasive or believes  
that 
successes will evaporate. 
      Optimistic:  Above 6 
      Average:     3-6 
      Pessimistic: Below 3 
  
SOURCE: Excerpted from the 48-question test in "The 
Optimistic Child," by Martin E.P. Seligman. 
 

H.J. Cummins, REALITY BITES New Thinking in child psychology challeges the self-esteem movement. , Newsday, 09-30-1995, pp B01.

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